I haven’t posted for a lot longer than I intended. The same can be said for my running.
All attempts to run again had to stop. Passing out each time I even jogged for a minute or two was something I could live with, but when the device in my chest let us know that my heart had decided to beat in inappropriate ways on 179 occasions in 2-3 months, it was time to pause all attempts to run again.
I’m waiting for heart surgery. Decided to treat myself to a 21st birthday present (my birthday is in a couple of weeks)/ heart surgery celebratory gift (yes, I want the effects of this surgery so badly that I’m actually willing it to arrive sooner) and order myself a pair of personalised running shoes. Another pair of running shoes that I can’t run in. But somehow it feels great just to put them on my feet. I felt bad buying myself something, especially when I already have multiple pairs of running shoes that are worn out from the miles I’ve… walked… in them (and therefore I kinda feel I wasted them). However, I wanted a fresh pair. I wanted a pair that said “Hey, you’re 21. Yay, the surgery happened and your heart can deal with life a little better, congratulations for getting through it, look at you now! Now go run a marathon in me.” And these shoes… They’ll say that to me every time I put them on.
Honestly, for the past few months, getting to the end of each day has been, I guess, me reaching milestone after milestone (keeping this blog forces me to try and find positivity from somewhere, which is probably why, for the past few months when I have found positivity nowhere, I haven’t been able to post. Even now, things don’t feel great. Stagnant, yes. Positive… It’ll come eventually?). Part of the reason why I want to run again is because it is so great for my mind. Without any form of exercise at all, and a combination of other things, and also probably just because it could, my mind wandered to a very dark place and has stayed there – in the dark. Cold. Alone. Suffocating. I have yet to work out a way to pull it back that doesn’t involve running myself into a heap of elated but not very conscious human. Of course, I tried to run again the other day. Because I needed to feel… as great as running makes a person feel. And of course while I succeed in my emotional aim, it backfired physically. I know the only way I’ll get to run again is to take things slow. I’m working on that too. I think.
I’m struggling in many ways – physically and mentally, some days more than others. Today I just can’t stop thinking about going for a nice long run, and I guess that thought, whilst keeping me going, drove me back here.
I apologise for my “radio silence” and I’m afraid it is about to resume.